


Why Rick Doesn't Time Travel Anymore

by Cartoon_Idiot_59



Series: GravRickity Falls [1]
Category: Rick and Morty
Genre: Irreligious twaddle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-16
Updated: 2018-12-16
Packaged: 2019-09-20 02:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17014038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cartoon_Idiot_59/pseuds/Cartoon_Idiot_59
Summary: Just what it says on the tin. Why Rick doesn't time travel anymore.





	1. Somewhen in India

Rick Sanchez was testing his new time travel gear. He appeared in a dense, humid forest. He pulled a small black box out of his pocket. "Computer," he asked. "Where and when?"

"India, third century B.C.E." the computer replied.

"Can't you just say B.C., you pr-pretentious twat?" 

"It seems arrogant to be arguing the difference between 'before Christ' and 'before Christian era' when you actually are before Christian era." 

"Shove it, computer! What the fuck am I doing here (urp)?"

"Beats me. Why don't you ask that guy over there?" Rick turned and saw a youngish looking man in saffron robes sitting cross-legged, back against the largest tree in the forest. His eyes were closed. Rick approached.

"You must tempt me." The man said, without opening his eyes.

"What the fuck?" Rick answered.

"You must tempt me three times. Trust me on this." The man said, eyes still closed.

"Tempt you, huh? Fuck it, I'll play along." Rick pulled a flask from his pocket and took a drink. "Want a (braaap) drink? I've got a blonde thirteen year old daughter at home, she'd probably like to lose it to a pretty man like you. You are pretty, m-maybe you and I could..."

"Kama. That's one. No, I'm familiar with the pleasures of the flesh, I'm looking for something more."

"Why, you arrogant son of a bitch! Fuck you! I'll KILL you!" Rick grabbed the youth and held a knife to his throat. He didn't even open his eyes.

"Mara. That's two. No, death comes to all men. Learning that set me on this path. I don't fear death." 

Rick took in the richness of his robes. He put the knife away. "Are you a prince or something? Don't you have better things to do than lean against a tree and b-bandy philosophy with strangers?" 

"Dharma. That's three. No, I believe my duty lies here." He touched four fingers of his hand to the ground and the earth shook. The sky clouded over and a single shaft of sunlight illuminated the youth. He opened his eyes and opened his eyes again. He stood and took eight steps. "That did the trick! I see it all now! Thank you, Rick Sanchez!"

"How the fuck do you know my name? I'm not even born yet!" Rick said.

"You know what a nexis is?"

"Sure. A wrinkle in Space-Time. Exists in all (erp) dimensions at once." 

"I've got one in my brain. I can see EVERYTHING!" The man said.

"That must be... nice?" Rick was unsure. He HATED being unsure.

"It's a pain in the ass! Didn't figure it out 'til right now. Hey, if you were dying, and you had a choice, where would you spend the last hours of your life? Teaching some king or a party at the best known house of ill repute?"

"Me, personally? Whores, drinks and blow all the way!"

"You and me both, brother! Listen, you have to visit the Rabbi and the Prophet. It's necessary."

"Riiiight. How do I find these people?"

"Same way you found me. Your little doo-hickey there will take you right to them." 

"Riiiight. Ok, than." Rick twiddled a dial and disappeared.

Siddhartha Gautama, the enlightened one dusted himself off and went to start his life's work. This was going to be FUN!


	2. Somewhen in Judea

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick contines testing.

Rick Sanchez appeared in a dry dusty desert. He pulled the computer out and asked "Right, where and when?"

"Israel, first century C.E."

"That explains the fucking weather." Rick looked around and saw an emaciated young man with a beard in dusty white robes pillowing his head on a rock. "Kid, you l-look like you're starving."

"I'm fasting. Forty days and forty nights." 

"You're dying! Here, let me see if I can turn one of these stones into a l-loaf of bread or (urp) something." Rick pulled a device from a pocket and created a loaf of bread.

"Could've done that myself." The young man said.

"Than why the fuck DIDN'T you? You're dying, kid!" 

"Man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God." 

"Kid, you believe the w-word of God, you might as well believe angels will catch you if you jump from a high place like the roof of the Temple or something. Forget where I heard that, Psalms or something. Real life doesn't work that way, kid. Wanna try it for yourself and see?" 

"Again it is written, you shall not put the word of the Lord your God to the test." 

"Kid, you may be smart, a smart person gets to take the universe for a ride. They say all roads lead to Rome, a smart person with shit on the ball could take over the Empire! Trust me, you do NOT want to see the shitstorm that comes after Augustus! Or you could go to India, they're doing m-marvelous shit with math in India, God doesn't have shit against math! Or China, China's always interesting, especially if it's in pieces, a smart man could go far. Leave this God bullshit behind and the world is your oyster!"

"You cannot tempt me with all the kingdoms of the world! Get you behind me, Satan!" The earth shook, the sky clouded over and a shaft of light played over the bearded man in the robe. "I see it! I see it all so clearly now! It's messy, but it all works out!"

"Oh, fuck me! Nexis?"

"Yep! Right in my head!"

"So you the Rabbi or the Prophet?" 

"Teacher will do, I think. Prophet may be aiming a little high. Although, some will call me..." He laughed and continued. "Well, YOU'LL find out! Thanks, Rick Sanchez, the way is clear, now! Oh, don't read the book, you won't care for the edit!" 

"Fuck this shit! I was hoping time travel would be fun, not a bunch of (erp) religious fanatics." He turned a dial and was gone. 

Yeshua Ben Yusef, Jesus Christ, the anointed one stood up, dusted himself off and started his life's work. This was going to be FUN!


	3. Somewhen in Arabia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Testing continues.

Rick appeared in another desert on a mountain this time. "Computer..."

"Saudi Arabia, seventh century C.E. Try the cave." The computer answered.

"Why here?" 

"Rick, you go down to the marketplace in that city, you'll find pagans, jews, about ten flavors of christian, something's got to give."

"Fine. ANOTHER religious nutjob! Fuck me!" He entered the cave and found, surprise! Another guy in a robe, with a beard. This one had some elaborate cloth thing on his head. 

"Let me guess. You're wr-writing a (burp) book." Rick said.

"Thinking about it." The man answered.

"Well, DON'T! Religion is the opiate of the m-masses. At least until TV comes along." 

"You try to dissuade me? Ah, Iblis, Shaitan, you cannot! Not if Allah, most high, most merciful wills it! In fact... That's it right there! Allah misleadeth whom he will, and whom he will he guideth. If the Infidels plot against one or keep one prisoner or kill or banish one do the Infidels plot? NO! Allah plotted and of all plotters Allah is the best! ALLAHU AKBAR ! INSH'ALLAH!" The earth shook, the sky clouded over and a shaft of sunlight came in the cave and illuminated the man with the beard.

"Fuck me! AGAIN?!"

"Yes, Rick. Another Nexis. Jesus was right, don't read the books, you won't like the edits. Trust us, it all works out in the end. Wait until you see the ZenSunni! Wait, you'll either be dead or in another dimension. Really, it's all for the best." 

"Fuck this shit. I'm going home."

"Your right, Rick! Thanks from all of us!"

Rick twisted the dial and disappeared. Mohammed, Prophet of Allah, most high, most merciful, dusted himself off and proceeded to begin his life's work. First, I'm going to need some scribes. This is going to be FUN!


	4. Home Again, Naturally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rick finally goes home. The penny drops

Rick appears in his own garage. "Fuck me, another Michigan winter, at least I saw some sun on that trip. Holy shit! HOLY FUCKIN' SHIT! That was Buddha, Jesus and Mohammed! I just founded three religions! No! No, no, no, no, NO, NO, NO!!! If I start a fucking religion every time I time travel, I'm not going! Oh, fuck me, all the wars! My fucking fault!" He proceeded to dismantle the equipment and additions to his portal gun that made time travel possible, threw it all in a cardboard box and labeled it 'Time Travel Stuff'. "That shit goes on the shelf and it STAYS on the shelf! Only thing left to do is drink myself stupid for the rest of my life! Don't think about it, Rick."

"Rick? You home? Time travel work?" Diane's voice came into the garage, followed by Diane.

"Yes, dear. Seems to be a major m-malfunction though. Everywhere I went I started a religion."

"Oh, my! Any I'd recognize?"

"Just Buddhism, Christianity and Islam. Nothing MAJOR!"

"Rick, are you saying that YOU'RE Jesus?!"

"No, I seem to be the devil. I got called Kama, Mara, Satan, (urp) Iblis and Shaitan."

"Okay, I'll buy that!" Diane said.

"Fuck you, sweetie. Fuck you very much!"

"Oh, by the way, you got a call on the Interstellar line. BirdPerson and Squanchy got arrested. Again."

"Fuck it! This is the last straw! The Galactic Federation is going down!"

Rick Sanchez, smartest man in the Multiverse dusted himself off and prepared to begin his life's work. This was going to be FUN!

 

In his office in downtown Pandemonium Lucifer Morningstar chuckled to himself. "Someday, I'm going to tell his granddaughter that while I'm the devil, Rick Sanchez is THE DEVIL! She'll have no idea! Almost worth the beating."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is. Apologies to all Buddhists, Christians and Moslems reading this. I tried to stick to the spirit of the texts until the nexus hit. No disrespect intended, I just like this as the answer to why Rick doesn't time travel. I know there's no specific temptation of Mohammed so I put one at the start of his career. PROCLAIM! A friend once had a set of three figures from Japan. A beautiful woman, a scary looking guy with a big fucking sword and a severe clerk looking fellow with his arms crossed. She said they came as a set but aside from style she didn't see anything they had in common. About five minutes later it came to me. The temptation of the Buddha. Kama (love) Mara (death) and Dharma (duty).


End file.
